#7 Speak with a Different Accent Day (A Minnesota Holiday)

Ever wish your MinnesOtan-ness wasn't quite so apparent? Speak with a Different Accent Day is a new state holiday that allows Minnesotans to imagen they're not from quite so far up nOrth. Time to try that Hungarian accent you've been practicing. Or time to make up your own mutant accent that denies you're from anywhere near the Midwest.

And there's a special bonus. It won't be just another ordinary day at school or the workplace. There are fun activities that people of any age can participate in. Listen to recordings of different accents and try to immitate them. Have awards for the most realistic accent or the most hilarious accent.

The mascot of Speak with a Different Accent Day is a parrot, due to its uncanny ability to immitate. Consequently, the colors for this holiday are red, green, and yellow. But really, you can decorate with any color you've ever seen a parrot wear.

So, practice that Portuguese accent you've always wanted to master and pull it out on May 11. (Which is not coincidentally the same date that Minnesota was admitted to the Union.) Impress all your MinnesOtan friends and show them that you're so tired of long o's that you're willing to pretend you come from Australia.

#6 GROAN: Gas-guzzler Remonstration and Obliteration Act (N)

Yes, all the proud and pretentious Hummer owners will be proud and pretentious no more. The Gas-guzzler Remonstration and Obliteration Act is a new law just passed unanimously by Congress, with President George W. Bush's egregious veto unanimously overturned. Members of Congress have finally disillusioned themselves about the severity of the current environmental crisis. GROAN, this law's catchy acronym, reflects all the protestation that owners of vehicles with 25 mpg gas mileage or less will be allowed to make. Effective on January 1, 2009, all such vehicles will be confiscated and brought to the nearest vehicle assembly plant. Thousands of new jobs will be created as these offensive vehicles are disassembled, recycled, and transformed into affordable, entirely electric cars saleable to the public. Owners of confiscated vehicles will be compensated with one of these new electric cars.

Not only are vehicles such as Hummers archenemies of our precious, irreplaceable, and only Earth, they also cement our dependence on foreign oil (ahem) and degrade the owners in the eyes of the more conscientious public. 12 mpg, Hummer Owner? Really? Do you even realize what that means, besides that you're ecstatic about $1.95 gas prices? Pardon me, but don't all Americans want to be independent of oil from the Middle East? That means that you, especially as a major fuel consumer, need to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! (No, I don't mean drilling ANWR.) The next time you purchase a vehicle, have more scrupulous criteria than "I want to blatantly display my self-serving priorities." So cherish frowning down upon Toyota Priuses and Smart Cars from lofty and raucous heights before January 1st, when your delusional dream world of self-absorption will be cut short.