#10: Epic Fail

While The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe excused some of its corniness with cute kid actors, its anticipated sequel, Prince Caspian, comes nowhere close. Two years has dissolved that adorable innocence that made the first movie semi-cherishable. But the cheese-factor has been substantially raised. There is very little development of the characters. Peter is reduced to an arrogant, conceited kid, spoiled by his title "Peter the Magnificent." He even introduces himself as that! Susan looks continuously grave, a result of too much eyeliner in a land where cosmetics don't exist. As for the romance between Susan and Prince Caspian, it's illogical and poorly developed. It consists solely of exchanges of long glances and a kiss at the very end when they know they won't see each other ever again. Why do classics like The Chronicles of Narnia and Tuck Everlasting have to be spoiled by creating romance that didn't exist in the books because the characters were 12? As for the battle scenes, they are far too long and far too reminiscent of Lord of the Rings. The only redeeming qualities are the sword-brandishing mouse Reepicheep, the fact that Edmund had a flashlight in Narnia, and the situations and dialogue that are so corny they're humorous. As an epic it fails. As a entertaining children's movie, I must concede that it succeeds. 2 out of 5 stars.

# 9 Stranger Than Fiction

Script Details:

Zoom in on typewriter as Karen Eiffel types "The phone rang." Penny walks toward the phone to answer the phone. Ms. Eiffel says desperately, "Don't answer that!" She watches the phone carefully as she types, "The phone rang a third time." Zoom in on her finger as she pushes the period key. She runs toward the phone to answer it when it starts ringing again. A crowd of people start walking down the subway tunnel where Harold Crick is talking on the phone to Ms. Eiffel. Camera goes between Harold and Ms. Eiffel as they each talk. Harold knocks on the door of Ms. Eiffels office.

Extra Details:

Ms. Eiffel lifts her eyebrows after she types that Harold dials the phone. Ms. Eiffel points urgently toward the phone with both hands as she says, "Don't answer that!" She makes her "Sh-sh-sh-shh" very short and choppy when the script might have just said "Shh." Penny puts her hands up when Ms. Eiffel tells her not to answer the phone. Ms. Eiffel drops the phone on the floor and waves her hands when she hears that Harold hears a deep and endless ocean when filing papers. She backs away from the phone into the corner of her chair. Harold's shirt is untucked when he walks Ms. Eiffel's office. Ms. Eiffel backs away some when Harold comes in.

# 8 Weather Haiku

Clouds and wind and rain
are more interesting than
endless sunny days.

Billowing clouds drape
across the dome of the sky --
blue, grey, violet light.

Stiflingly hot,
The white circle of the sun
glares off the asphalt.

#7 Speak with a Different Accent Day (A Minnesota Holiday)

Ever wish your MinnesOtan-ness wasn't quite so apparent? Speak with a Different Accent Day is a new state holiday that allows Minnesotans to imagen they're not from quite so far up nOrth. Time to try that Hungarian accent you've been practicing. Or time to make up your own mutant accent that denies you're from anywhere near the Midwest.

And there's a special bonus. It won't be just another ordinary day at school or the workplace. There are fun activities that people of any age can participate in. Listen to recordings of different accents and try to immitate them. Have awards for the most realistic accent or the most hilarious accent.

The mascot of Speak with a Different Accent Day is a parrot, due to its uncanny ability to immitate. Consequently, the colors for this holiday are red, green, and yellow. But really, you can decorate with any color you've ever seen a parrot wear.

So, practice that Portuguese accent you've always wanted to master and pull it out on May 11. (Which is not coincidentally the same date that Minnesota was admitted to the Union.) Impress all your MinnesOtan friends and show them that you're so tired of long o's that you're willing to pretend you come from Australia.

#6 GROAN: Gas-guzzler Remonstration and Obliteration Act (N)

Yes, all the proud and pretentious Hummer owners will be proud and pretentious no more. The Gas-guzzler Remonstration and Obliteration Act is a new law just passed unanimously by Congress, with President George W. Bush's egregious veto unanimously overturned. Members of Congress have finally disillusioned themselves about the severity of the current environmental crisis. GROAN, this law's catchy acronym, reflects all the protestation that owners of vehicles with 25 mpg gas mileage or less will be allowed to make. Effective on January 1, 2009, all such vehicles will be confiscated and brought to the nearest vehicle assembly plant. Thousands of new jobs will be created as these offensive vehicles are disassembled, recycled, and transformed into affordable, entirely electric cars saleable to the public. Owners of confiscated vehicles will be compensated with one of these new electric cars.

Not only are vehicles such as Hummers archenemies of our precious, irreplaceable, and only Earth, they also cement our dependence on foreign oil (ahem) and degrade the owners in the eyes of the more conscientious public. 12 mpg, Hummer Owner? Really? Do you even realize what that means, besides that you're ecstatic about $1.95 gas prices? Pardon me, but don't all Americans want to be independent of oil from the Middle East? That means that you, especially as a major fuel consumer, need to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! (No, I don't mean drilling ANWR.) The next time you purchase a vehicle, have more scrupulous criteria than "I want to blatantly display my self-serving priorities." So cherish frowning down upon Toyota Priuses and Smart Cars from lofty and raucous heights before January 1st, when your delusional dream world of self-absorption will be cut short.

# 5 If you mix a jerboa and a squirrel... a squerboa?

+

Imagine an everyday, friendly neighborhood gray squirrel. Can you think of anything that could possibly make it any cuter? The big, broad ears of a jerboa would be a start. And its extra beady black eyes. And increased jumping abilities. This unique species, the squerboa, was bred in labratories, but a few pairs escaped into the wild. They now reside in Midwestern suburbia, coexisting peacefully with the native wildlife. Squerboas eat anything they can get their tiny paws on, including acorns, clover, and berries. Some of squerboas' favorite activities include branch-jumping competitions. Land on the branch, or, well, lose. They also enjoy communicating through flag signals using their ears. The avid animal enthusiast can observe these remarkable antics with a generic pair of binoculars.

#4 Man's New Best Friend

Have you ever wished that your dog would be a little more helpful around the house, rather than just making messes and demanding attention at the most inconvenient times? Well, you're in luck: Man's New Best Friend is here!

For over four decades, scientists have been working to develop a method of crossbreeding apes and dogs. This method has become so refined that the products are now available to consumers. Consumers can special order any canine-primate combination possible by selecting two breeds from extensive lists*. You won't just have a fuzzy head to pet, you'll have four extra helping hands to do mundane household tasks** such as cleaning the bathroom or mowing the lawn. Man's New Best Friend arrives fully trained to feed and clean up after itself. A perfect gift for Mothers' Day, don't forget to order*** at least three months in advance.

* Popular canine breeds include Bearded Collie, Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, and Greyhound. Popular primate species include lemurs, marmosets, and chimpanzees.

** It is not advisable to allow Man's New Best Friend to help in culinary aspects. Its canine brain does not have a developed understanding of human hygiene.

*** Prices range from $799 - $1399.